“Really, it’s not that big of a deal,” I told her as I pushed the $20 bill away; “Please keep your money.”
This was the third time I had taken my mom to work this week because her car had broken down, and she was now begging me to take some money to fill up my gas tank. Of course, because she’s my mom, I politely declined… only to have her insist that I take this money.
I’ve been in this position a million times – and I’m sure you have too. It’s the usual ‘try-to-give-me-money’ situation only to be met with an unwillingness to accept. Of course, that’s only round one of about five arguments that you have with the person trying to give you money or reimburse you, while each round only escalates more and more.
In fact, I have even gone as far as refusing to accept money and leaving it in cars, mailboxes, and driveways. “I’m not taking this – I’m leaving it right here in the grass… don’t let it blow away” I would declare. I watched my parents do it growing up and the same moto has been passed down to me: “Don’t take money from other people.” Even if you did do them a favor or if you ARE flat broke and need every penny they are handing you – it is almost a social rule to immediately decline and then argue about why you don’t need it. We all do it, don’t we?
Why do we do that?
I’ve thought of a million reasons and excuses – all with good intentions. I don’t want them to be struggling themselves. They need it more than I do. I don’t want to take what little they have. However, for me personally, I can’t help but think of one huge fat reason in my head: pride.
When it comes down to the very core of it – I don’t want to accept help from others because I truly believe that I am absolutely fine, and I want to take pride in being able to take care of myself. If you think about it, this is almost a fundamental idea that we drill into children; it is the thought of being self-sufficient and not relying on others.
We teach them how to eat on their own. We teach them how to walk on their own. We teach them how to read, get dressed, and drive a vehicle all on their own. Sure, they need some assistance at first – but eventually the goal is that they will be able to operate fully by themselves. After all, if you’re 29 years old and your mom is still changing your diaper, I think you may have some serious issues.
I don’t believe there’s anything wrong with that either. I don’t think that it’s wrong to be responsible and to be able to take care of yourself without constantly needing other people to help you. However, somewhere along the line, I feel as though I’ve taken this same approach towards my relationship with Jesus.
When I look back on my life, it’s so incredibly easy to see where God has had his hand in everything. He has saved me from some pretty bad situations and sent some incredible people to look after me and mentor me. Everything from growing up, grade school, college, ministry and marriage – I believe that God has kept a close eye on me and my safety – and I have loved every bit of it.
However, at some point along the way, I think I have tried to merge my independence as a successful adult into my relationship that I have with Jesus.
Sure, he helped me out a lot when I was younger – but I’ve been a baptized believer for over 10 years now. Shouldn’t I have this “Christianity” thing down pat by now? I have been to bible college and the state even recognizes me as a minister! There is no doubt that Jesus has done a ton for me – but eventually I think I looked him in the eye and said, “I appreciate your help, but I think I can do this on my own now.” I took his mercy, grace and love and left it in the driveway – telling him that I wasn’t going to take it – and not to let it blow away.
Pride.
And doing it on my own I did. Every single day that I took my salvation into my own hands, life got more and more stressful. To be honest, I didn’t even know that I was doing it. However, the more times I tried, the more times I failed. I knew the exact solution in my head: read your bible more, pray more, fast more, worship more – cut out of the bad and replace it with the good. Try harder.
However, trying harder only led to failing harder… every single time.
Eventually – I knew that I wasn’t in the right mindset. I talked to a few friends about the rut that I felt and chalked it up to regular stress of everyday life and ministry. I continued to try harder – but my reading was out of obligations to myself and my prayer life was suffering tremendously.
Eventually, I came across this cool idea that someone had recently shared with me. They mapped out this plan where every day they read one chapter of Proverbs and five chapters of Psalms, and after 31 days they have read the entire book of Psalms and Proverbs. Personally, I love Proverbs, so I gave it a shot.
When diving into these books, it seemed like God was hitting me with his reality. I don’t think this message could’ve been more clear than if God were to give me a personal phone call. It seemed like literally every other verse was talking to me – sometimes even whole chapters.
Just a few examples in the first few days that I marked with my pen:
Psalms 7:1 – Lord my God, I take refuge in you; save and deliver me from all who pursue me.
Psalms 9:10 – Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you.
Psalms 13:5 – I will trust in your unfailing love, my heart rejoices in your salvation.
Psalms 14:6 – You evildoers frustrate the plans of the poor, but the Lord is their refuge.
Proverbs 3:5 – Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.
Proverbs 3:34 – He mocks the proud but shows favor to the humble and oppressed.
The more I read, a basic idea came to me. It wasn't theologically difficult or something new that I've never know. Instead, it was simple reminder in which I'd known all along and yet somehow had forgotten: I can’t do anything on my own; without God I am nothing.
I was quickly reminded of one of my favorite verses in Matthew 5:3 –
“God blesses those who are poor and realize their need for him, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs.”
I want you to think of someone right now who is dirt poor. I’m not talking about someone who is struggling financially or has a spending problem. I want you to think of an orphan born in Africa, with no parents and no ability to fend for their self. I want you to think of a widow who has no family, whose bills are billing up and whose home is falling apart. Think of a young girl born a country where food is scarce, and faces the reality that she might be sold by her parents one day for a bag of rice.
When you are poor – you can’t do anything by yourself. You are 100% relying on other people to help you out. Without someone feeding that baby, helping that orphan or rescuing that girl – they will have no other option but to come to ruin. They can’t do anything for you in return, and they can’t even promise to pay you back one day for your good deeds. They are at the mercy of others, and can’t do anything but trust that someone will take care of them.
I believe that this is the same attitude we need to have towards Jesus when we consider our relationship with Him.
Thinking that I am somehow able to “work out” my wrongs and be in a place where I can handle all of my own baggage is so foolish. Trusting in myself and my work ethic to be independent so that I am not bothering God with all of my problems is the silliest thought that ever entered my mind.
As a minister, every week I teach students that God loves them, and that He is always going to be there for them with arms wide open. I have no problem sharing the gospel of Christ with others and telling them the good news of how they can be saved from sin. I love what I do and I whole heartedly believe everything that I teach others.
However, for some reason, I have unknowingly bought into the lie that I am the exception to the rule. It seems for a while that I believe that God loved me, but only if I met all the criteria (reading, praying, fasting, working).
This past week, I drove up to a mountain and had a long talk with God. I released everything that I had been bottling up inside, and for the first time in a long time – I was able to understand what God really wanted from me – to accept his help.
It seems that I turn down help from God just as much as I turn down gas money from my mom. For some reason I had gotten to a point where I didn’t think that I needed his help. But finally, I am able to see that without his help – I am absolutely nothing.
Spiritually, I am the orphan. I am the widow – and I am the poverty stricken girl. I need Him all the time – at every hour. I can’t do anything for Him in return, and I can never pay Him back. Without Him I am on my own and completely helpless. Without Jesus and His sacrifice, I am a wretched man doomed to face my destiny. Oh, how I need him!
I’ve finally realized my mistake, and just like that God has patched me up and sent me on my way. There were no “I told you so’s” or “Don’t let it happen again” remarks. It was simply a shower full of love and mercy that I needed. And instead of turning it down, I took it.
I’m not sure where you’re at in your life. Maybe you are like me and trying to work things out on your own. Perhaps you have a 50/50 relationship with God, with each of you holding up your own end of the bargain. Maybe it’s been such a long time since you have acknowledged him that you are sure that He is angry with you, and you feel you have a long way to go before your relationship and be reconciled.
Where ever you are at, know that God loves you. Know that he is waiting for you, and that he wants to help you. There is no need to do a bunch of good deeds to impress him – and He doesn’t desire that you get cleaned up before you approach Him.
His love is what changes our hearts – and He gives it out to anyone who would accept it. Christ has already paid your price, why try to pay it again on your own? Simply be open to your need for Him and your willingness to accept His gift, and He can heal you up and restore what has been broken.
In a real way, it’s like God is just handing you $20.
Don’t turn it down.
