I'm not feeling Easter this year.

Can I be honest with you? 

I’m not feeling Easter at all this year. 

Woah woah woah - I know, I know, I’m not allowed to say that. 

On one hand, I have a TON of reasons to be pumped about tomorrow: 

• This is Micah’s first Easter
• This is Brooke’s first Easter with us 
• This is our first Easter as a family of four 
• This is our first official Easter at Canvas Church 
• My daughter is getting baptized tomorrow
• We had an incredible Glow In The Dark Egg Hunt Friday with 400+ people in attendance
• We have an awesome Easter Worship service planned tomorrow 
• My wife bought those dope skittle brand jelly beans and they S L A P 

The list goes on and on. I truly have so much to look forward to tomorrow. 

On the other hand, I am Kevin McNeil. 

• I’m supposed to be loud and funny and outgoing. 
• I am big and extraverted and love talking - 
• Any social gathering usually gets me pumped. 

But if I’m honest with you, its 10:17 PM and I dont want to do anything tomorrow. 

I don’t want to go to bed.
I don’t want to sleep. 
I want to sit and be still and mourn. 

Today while everyone celebrated egg hunts, I had to drive to Virginia and attend a funeral. 

Mason, a former student in my youth ministry, passed away suddenly this week and completely took everyone off guard. 

The service was packed today, full of people who cared about him and his family. It was a great time to laugh, cry, and reflect as we celebrated his life. I got back this evening, and I have to be up really early for church tomorrow. 

And yet, I still sit here. 
Not wanting to do anything. 
Not caring about anything. 

Experiencing all sorts of emotions. 

As I work through what I am feeling, I can’t help but think that this is exactly what the disciples felt like on this same night. 

This guy named Jesus had changed everything in their life - and they were so convinced that He was the one to come and make everything right. And yet, all of that hope was gone when the religious leaders arrested Jesus, beat him, whipped him and killed him. 

They probably felt exactly how I feel right now: 

Angry. Overcome. Defeated. Hurt. Overwhelmed. Sad. Disheartened. Broken. 

Yet, even in my emotions, I know something those disciples did not: 

Tomorrow morning, that same Jesus would rise from the dead, walk out of a tomb, and kick hell in the teeth. 

As I mourn tonight, I do look forward to Easter, but in a much different way. 

I look forward to being reminded that this is not the end. 
I look forward to knowing that Jesus has squashed the enemy of death. 

I look forward to preaching life to people who are stuck in sin that kills us. 

As I mourn one life today, I look forward to new life tomorrow as my daughter makes the decision to put her hope in Jesus. 

One day, it will not be like this. 
One day, He will make everything right. 

One day, He will take all of this pain and hurt and brokenness away. 

But tonight? Jesus weeps with me. 

And tomorrow? I rejoice with Him.  

RIP Mason. Love you my friend.